which is better, i ask:
to go on for a long time without something, to miss it on some level, but without really realizing it's missing because you are used to the lack of it and otherwise quite busy anyway;
or, on the other hand, to get a little taste of it, to hold it, hug it, kiss it all night, feel like... there is a connection, perhaps... right until you ask a silly question and get a shocking answer and then it all evaporates as quickly as it came?
net net, the end result is the same - solitude.
right now, i would have to say - between the two, i prefer the former.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
can't blame me for trying...
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this work are fictional and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental.
AlexDF (1:26:49 PM): oatmeal/raisin/nut cookies in the kitchen
Boss#2 (1:32:32 PM): too healthy
AlexDF (1:33:36 PM): ok will bring cupcakes with chocolate frosting next time
Boss#2 (1:33:48 PM): much better
AlexDF (1:26:49 PM): oatmeal/raisin/nut cookies in the kitchen
Boss#2 (1:32:32 PM): too healthy
AlexDF (1:33:36 PM): ok will bring cupcakes with chocolate frosting next time
Boss#2 (1:33:48 PM): much better
Friday, October 20, 2006
waiting
it's quite astonishing how much time i spend waiting for stuff on any given day.
it is 4:17pm on a friday and i am sitting at my desk and waiting for boss #2 (code name L) to leave. i am done with whatever it is i set out to do today and there is nothing i can start working on at this point that can't wait until monday (or that i actually feel like doing anyway). as i sit here, i realize that if i were to add up all these pointless little moments of the day i could easily create a whole another parallel - and hopefully more interesting - life for myself. five minutes here, ten minutes there, 30 minutes waiting for the lunch speaker today, 15 minutes waiting for a cab, 10 minutes waiting for the subway - combine these little bits and pieces and you get an extra hour or two per day (which is an extra 365 to 730 hours per year or 15 to 30 days!) to do something useful.
but you can't because you're waiting.
"alright... i'm off - have a good weekend," announces L in the routinely chipper (translation: annoying) voice as her head suddenly peaks into my office, scaring the crap out of me as i desparately try to cover up the fact that i am writing a blog entry instead of doing profound financial analysis, or whatever it is i am supposed to be doing instead.
i wait... step - step - step - step... door opens, door closes... DING - the elevator comes, the elevator door closes... and after the obligatory 5 minutes i quietly sneak out.
at last - the weekend is on.
it is 4:17pm on a friday and i am sitting at my desk and waiting for boss #2 (code name L) to leave. i am done with whatever it is i set out to do today and there is nothing i can start working on at this point that can't wait until monday (or that i actually feel like doing anyway). as i sit here, i realize that if i were to add up all these pointless little moments of the day i could easily create a whole another parallel - and hopefully more interesting - life for myself. five minutes here, ten minutes there, 30 minutes waiting for the lunch speaker today, 15 minutes waiting for a cab, 10 minutes waiting for the subway - combine these little bits and pieces and you get an extra hour or two per day (which is an extra 365 to 730 hours per year or 15 to 30 days!) to do something useful.
but you can't because you're waiting.
"alright... i'm off - have a good weekend," announces L in the routinely chipper (translation: annoying) voice as her head suddenly peaks into my office, scaring the crap out of me as i desparately try to cover up the fact that i am writing a blog entry instead of doing profound financial analysis, or whatever it is i am supposed to be doing instead.
i wait... step - step - step - step... door opens, door closes... DING - the elevator comes, the elevator door closes... and after the obligatory 5 minutes i quietly sneak out.
at last - the weekend is on.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
scared
last weekend was my last long training run for the marathon. i think about the fact that in less than 3 weeks i will run the marathon and i'm scared. well - more like... concerned. and i'm not talking about being nervous about the race itself - the fact that it's my first one, that i will not be able to experience it with my running partner, or the general anxiety i always get before a race about being able to achieve my goal - that goes without saying.
i'm talking about something else here: in the last 6 months, my whole life has revolved around running... shopping for running shoes and clothes... reading about running... talking about running... hanging out with other runners... i've run during vacations in provincetown, fire island and san francisco... i've woken up extra early while on business trips in dallas and LA to go running... i quit smoking (not really because of running, but it helped) and generally stopped going out drinking and dancing... i've been up at 6am or earlier on many saturdays and sundays to go to races or long runs... i've been going to bed at 10:30pm both during the week and on weekends. indeed, training for the marathon has not only taken up all my free time - it has truly transformed my life. a mini metamorphosis, if you will.
so my concern is the following: what happens after mile 26.2?
will i stop running? will i pick up smoking again? will i go out till 4am every friday and saturday night, drink excessively and hook up with random faceless strangers? (not that i did that before... not every friday and saturday anyway.) will i be fat again? most importantly, what will i do with all the free time that suddenly opens up once i am not running every night after work, not going to bed early on saturday, not spending 3 hours every other sunday doing a long run and taking the rest of the day to recover? isn't life suddenly going to feel somewhat empty with all this free time on my hands?
then i remind myself - you are smarter than that.
for starters, new york is not the last marathon and certainly not my last marathon, especially if things go as planned. thou shalt keep in shape, dear alex, one way or another.
secondly, i will start organizing. dinner parties. brunches. thanksgiving. christmas - oh god CHRISTMAS! that means buying gifts for many people but especially for my niece natalia.
however, besides obsessing about the next marathon or planning things i can do in place of running, i will finally have the time to chill out, at least for a bit. a friend of mine put it very pointedly:
"binge laziness. spend a saturday staring at the ceiling. read magazines front to back. spend two hours in the video store with a friend, debating which dvd to get, and then fall asleep during the first thirty minutes. make another coffee. that kinda thing..."
and that does sound kind of nice.
i'm talking about something else here: in the last 6 months, my whole life has revolved around running... shopping for running shoes and clothes... reading about running... talking about running... hanging out with other runners... i've run during vacations in provincetown, fire island and san francisco... i've woken up extra early while on business trips in dallas and LA to go running... i quit smoking (not really because of running, but it helped) and generally stopped going out drinking and dancing... i've been up at 6am or earlier on many saturdays and sundays to go to races or long runs... i've been going to bed at 10:30pm both during the week and on weekends. indeed, training for the marathon has not only taken up all my free time - it has truly transformed my life. a mini metamorphosis, if you will.
so my concern is the following: what happens after mile 26.2?
will i stop running? will i pick up smoking again? will i go out till 4am every friday and saturday night, drink excessively and hook up with random faceless strangers? (not that i did that before... not every friday and saturday anyway.) will i be fat again? most importantly, what will i do with all the free time that suddenly opens up once i am not running every night after work, not going to bed early on saturday, not spending 3 hours every other sunday doing a long run and taking the rest of the day to recover? isn't life suddenly going to feel somewhat empty with all this free time on my hands?
then i remind myself - you are smarter than that.
for starters, new york is not the last marathon and certainly not my last marathon, especially if things go as planned. thou shalt keep in shape, dear alex, one way or another.
secondly, i will start organizing. dinner parties. brunches. thanksgiving. christmas - oh god CHRISTMAS! that means buying gifts for many people but especially for my niece natalia.
however, besides obsessing about the next marathon or planning things i can do in place of running, i will finally have the time to chill out, at least for a bit. a friend of mine put it very pointedly:
"binge laziness. spend a saturday staring at the ceiling. read magazines front to back. spend two hours in the video store with a friend, debating which dvd to get, and then fall asleep during the first thirty minutes. make another coffee. that kinda thing..."
and that does sound kind of nice.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
nightmares
marathon prep guides mention all sorts of things one should expect when training for a marathon, especially their first one: weight loss; knee pain; soreness; injuries; no time for ever doing anything else; fanthom pains...
however the one that none of them mentions is a stream of nightmare leading up to race day.
nightmare 1: i wake up, look around and see a looooong bridge. and by long i don't mean brooklyn-bridge-long. i mean looooooong. i think. i think some more. i've never seen this bridge before. wait. no. no, please don't tell it's verazanno narrows! eventually i realize that its three hours before the big race starts. somehow i fast forwarded 6 weeks and here i am, at the feet of the bridge, waiting for the horn to go off. i panic. i freak out. i am ready? of course not?!?! i thought i had 6 more weeks to prepare!! i keep telling myself 'this has got to be a bad dream, you have to wake up, you have to wake up!'... i see people taking off their clothers and peeing all over the place and all over each other. yes, in my dream, i invoke the 2 things that everyone who has run new york talks about - the peeing and the clothes.
nightmare 2: i'm running the marathon (or rather "a" marathon, since the course doesn't seem to be anything like new york... actually it sort of looks like prague, mmmm, weird), and at first it goes ok, but then i realize i cannot run... i can only move in slow motion. similar to the dreams from childhood in which you're trying to get away from something and the strong head wind keeps slowing you down. i'm trying to stay with it and not give up. the clock is ticking and it feel like hours and hours are passing by and i am moving in slow motion.
however the one that none of them mentions is a stream of nightmare leading up to race day.
nightmare 1: i wake up, look around and see a looooong bridge. and by long i don't mean brooklyn-bridge-long. i mean looooooong. i think. i think some more. i've never seen this bridge before. wait. no. no, please don't tell it's verazanno narrows! eventually i realize that its three hours before the big race starts. somehow i fast forwarded 6 weeks and here i am, at the feet of the bridge, waiting for the horn to go off. i panic. i freak out. i am ready? of course not?!?! i thought i had 6 more weeks to prepare!! i keep telling myself 'this has got to be a bad dream, you have to wake up, you have to wake up!'... i see people taking off their clothers and peeing all over the place and all over each other. yes, in my dream, i invoke the 2 things that everyone who has run new york talks about - the peeing and the clothes.
nightmare 2: i'm running the marathon (or rather "a" marathon, since the course doesn't seem to be anything like new york... actually it sort of looks like prague, mmmm, weird), and at first it goes ok, but then i realize i cannot run... i can only move in slow motion. similar to the dreams from childhood in which you're trying to get away from something and the strong head wind keeps slowing you down. i'm trying to stay with it and not give up. the clock is ticking and it feel like hours and hours are passing by and i am moving in slow motion.
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